Monday, November 12, 2012

Christmas Be Stank.


It's Holiday Season again. 

Once Halloween ends, retailers scream straight past that boring old bullshit holiday Thanksgiving (there's limited retail opportunity) and head straight for Christmas. These days, they put Christmas stuff up in stores BEFORE they put up Halloween decorations.  Why not be honest and just leave the Christmas decorations up year 'round?  I mean, fuck. 

It's annoying enough to be assaulted by baubles and shiny things and Ferrero Rocher chocolate samplers and pies and puddings and wreaths and lights and all - but what makes it all intolerable are the ODORS that are associated with this frenzy of retail brainwashing.  

Christmas be stank, y'all. 

For example - the very MOMENT Halloween ended, my local Whole Foods in Glendale, CA. put up directly in front of its doors very large bins of pine cones.  "Oh, isn't that cute?" One might be heard saying as he or she approaches the crates of brightly-colored, glitter-sprayed coniferous seedpods.  

But as one gets closer, one's olfactory system is assaulted. A blast of artificial cinnamon destroys all other odors within a five-yard radius.  The scent is so strong that it's actually painful. 

As I attempted to circumnavigate this offensive kiosk of crafts gone wrong to enter the store - supposedly a NATURAL foods market - this pungent elixir of death gave me the vapors.  I actually staggered, this shit was so overpowering.  

I was taken by surprise.  The entrance to Whole Foods used to just be a maze of liberal youth trying to get you to "Sign a petition" and donate your ATM card # to them so they could make monthly withdrawals for the cause of their calling (I am NOT giving my ATM card # to any random zitty hippie who claims it will help gay marriage. Do I look stupid?).  But now...

People who treasure these sorts of things are instantly suspect.  I imagine their homes are filled with items they've amassed from "swap meets" and marathon sessions of Home Shopping Network viewing.   They enjoy Black Friday.  They believe in God. 

Whole Foods, as a marketplace that allegedly caters to hippie sensibilities, should remove these pine cones at once. Were I to be shopping at Michael's or KMart, I would expect nothing less than to be attacked by disgusting odors at every turn - but Whole Foods should know better.  

Fuck those cones. I'll take the underpaid, idealistic hippies with their clipboards over this bullshit any day. 


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