Sunday, May 22, 2011

The Future Is Ugly.


I'm on the A Train - which can in itself be a trial. Any subway ride opens you up to an assortment of derelicts, perverts, hobos, shrill bitches, thuggz, turkeys, evangelical douchebags whose outfits and demeanors always raise the question in my mind - "Really? If you represent God's Chosen, then I'm glad I ain't going to Heaven," clits, scabs, vermin, hipsters, and parents with babies. Parents with babies. Yes, I said it twice. Why? Because this is a tale of a parent with a baby.

I'm minding my own business, attempting to traverse the subway system to West 4th Street in order to meet some friends for a light dinner at Sacred Chow - when I spot it. A baby, lying completely ignored in its stroller, is eating out of a sack of Cheetos. GOD DAMN CHEETOS. This baby could not possibly be more than five months old. Its mother, completely oblivious to how foul and counter-healthy this gift of "food" to her child is, sits entranced by her iPod, bouncing her head back and forth to whatever brainless crap music is pumping into her earbuds. Her gunt drapes over her lap like an apron. Her sleeveless t-shirt is split in stripes horizontally down her back to reveal more of her stretched flesh. Her roots betray her hair's natural color, but the tips are dyed to resemble an unholy mixture of dung and earwax.

Once the baby actually tries to engage in a parent/child exchange, the way it's supposed to, by attempting to pass this gargantuan whore a Cheeto, she pauses from staring at her mobile device long enough to check the child's ass crack. Is it dirty? Why yes, it appears it is! So what does Ms. Guntalong decide to do? You guessed correctly. She actually changes this child's diaper right there on the train in front of a gaggle of horrified onlookers. She then proceeds to remove a moist towelette from her purse and swab down the hapless tot's butthole in plain sight of just everyone in the subway car.

Once that little task is done, she decides it would be a great bonding moment for her and her child if she shares her music with him - she made it perfectly clear to everyone on the train what sex her child is - so she crams the earbuds into this baby's ears and jams to the Phat Beatz with her baby.

And this is our future.