Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Times Square Can Fuck Off.

What does Times Square need?

Well, let's see... It's got a Hershey's super-store and an M&Ms World, T.G.I. Friday's, Olive Garden, 982 fucking sneaker kiosks that all sell the exact same thing, a motherfucking RED LOBSTER. oh - and absolutely NO SINGLE SHRED OF EVIDENCE that it was once anything other than a god damn shopping center designed for inane tourists who flock to New York City in droves to waddle around and wonder at shit they can see in their own cities. So, what can we add to this miracle knoll of assholeism geared toward the insatiably dull?

That's right. A POP TARTS RESTAURANT. Mmmm!

Yes! Brain dead tourists, weary after shuffling through this blocks-long maze of mass consumerism Hell, can plop their chafed, aching thighs down in this Nutrition-Free Cess Chamber and order Pop Tarts - a food that has NO BUSINESS being associated with breakfast for it provides little but the opportunity for shitheads to gorge on crap - in oh so cute ways, like 'pop tarts sushi.'

I mean, FUCK OFF.

Instead of coming to New York with the sole purpose of getting your pictures taken in front of the H&M or retracing the steps of those vacuous cunts from Sex & the City ("Oh my god, they serve CUPCAKES!"), why don't you follow this suggestion (well, two):

1. Plan a trip that involves seeing things that ARE NOT available in your home town. Museums, plays, concerts, the Brooklyn Heights Promenade, Central Park - these are things you don't have in your city. M&Ms - you can get them at the grocery store. Nikes - yes, you can get them at the mall. Cell phones are available anywhere.

2. If you a) are coming here specifically to shop at mass market chains and b) are afraid to eat anything that doesn't come from McDonald's, Applebee's, Pizza Hut, P.F. Chang's, or Taco Bell and c) are not planning to take in any local culture or sights that actually made New York City the amazing place that it is and was, then why don't you just stay your stupid fucking asses AT HOME so I and others who live here don't have to circumnavigate your shit while you gaze unintelligently at your mobile devices and maps looking for the nearest Club Monaco?

Everyone here hates you because you suck, and TIMES SQUARE has become a radiant example of absolutely EVERYTHING that is wrong with this culture, and, in fact, the world, thanks mostly to people just like you.