Jack T. Chick - Super Genius.

Jack T. Chick, rabid evangelical Christian, is full of misinformation:

• "Liberals" are pushing gay marriage in elementary schools.
• Catholics are doing the Devil's work.
• Dungeons & Dragons leads to suicide.
• Homosexuals recruit.
• Dinosaurs were on the Ark, but couldn't survive in the new "thinner air" we have now thanks to the Great Flood.
• Most Christian ministers are knowingly working for Satan.
• Rock & Roll will give you AIDS.
• Jesus is Lord.
  

One might wonder why a staunchly liberal, agnostic, gay, vegan, environmental and animal rights fanatic would relish the Heavenly Delights Mr. Jack Chick pumps out so prolifically. Aren't they espousing in a rabid and judgmental way the very aspects of the Religious Right's closed-mindedness that has ravaged this country and turned it into a cesspool of drooling morons? Well, yes- yes, they are.

But, they do it awesomely.

For those of you who don't know who Jack T. Chick is - he is a purveyor of the finest religious tracts in the known universe and has been "witnessing for Christ" through the comic medium for decades, after he discovered that comics would attract and keep people's attention more than actual literature (if that doesn't say something about his target audience, I don't know what does).

Now, my introduction to these tracts came way back in 1989 when a friend who knew that I a) found rabid Christianity to be hilarious and b) loved horror movies gave me a copy of the tract, "Boo!" which I believe she had found in a rest area somewhere between Georgia and North Carolina. As I read its pages, filled with dreary cliches about sacrificing cats on Halloween and the bafflingly incorrect assertion that Satan's birthday actually falls on Halloween, I knew I was witnessing pure, raw genius in action. I was hooked.

What I love most about Mr. Chick's tracts is the whole conspiracy theory that each and every one of us who isn't exactly like him is out to ensure his and his brethren's downfall and sentencing to everlasting damnation in the lake of fire. Even the ministers are out to get him! Oh, and the Masons... we can't forget them.

When I first discovered Mr. Chick's World of Wonder, it was not as easy to come across these tracts - the internet had yet to be invented, so you had to rely on Christians "witnessing" by passing these things out, or leaving them surreptitiously in fast food restaurants, book stores, glory holes, and other places people who need to be "saved" may hang out. I managed to scrounge up a few, either finding them on my own or having them show up in my dorm room as if they were meant to be there.

Discovering a tract that had actually been placed out in the wilderness by a well-meaning but idiotic Christian was like discovering a new species of frog or winning the lottery - I would jump up and down with glee, especially if the tract had been personalized by the Church that passed it out (see chick.com for information on how to customize your tracts!).

Now that we have the internet, the world of Mr. Chick is at anyone's fingertips. When I first found his website, I went a little insane, ordering multiple copies of my all-time favorite tracts in order to hand them out as favors or use for liner notes in compilation CDs and such. I also ordered the Tract Assortment Pack - yes, one copy of each and every Chick Tract in print - and rushed home every day to see if it had arrived.

When it did, I tore that package open and didn't stop reading these little books of joy until I had pilfered all that Jack T. Chick had to offer. Abortion, Catholic conspiracies, child abuse leading to homosexuality, the public school system as a forum to endorse the practice of witchcraft - it's all here, and it's all awesome.

I took to carrying these things around with me, even "accidentally" leaving them where people could find them in order to "spread the love." Why I thought it would be a good idea to pass these things out is beyond me... I doubt most people find them as hilarious as I do. A friend of mine actually busted me tucking one into a nook on the subway. I didn't know she was in the car with me, and she walked over and said, "Are you actually leaving that were someone can find it?"

"Yes I am," I said, embarrassed.

I'm not embarrassed anymore, though, and I will fully admit that I am a huge fan of Mr. Jack T. Chick and his massive collection of whimsical comics.

Oh, and if any of you ever come across a copy of his long out-of-print epic, "Wounded Children," PLEASE let me know.

Read a tract below!