Sunday, February 22, 2009

Q: Which sucks more: a) This cold I have or b) the new Friday the 13th movie?


A: The answer is B, the new Friday the 13th movie. Why? Because, unlike this cold, the new Friday the 13th will never go away.

Observe:
  • Hillbillies pork mannequins and talk to them about how "tight" they are.
  • Black men jack off to the LL Bean catalog.
  • Asian men are sex-starved buffoons who talk to themselves in toolsheds.
  • Jason has a vast underground network of tunnels in which he keeps PRISONERS.
  • Jason's vast underground network of tunnels, which is located on an abandoned campground, has ELECTRICITY.
  • Jason has an elaborate system of trick ropes hooked up to bells so he knows when someone is lurking on his property.
  • Every girl and every boy ever born ever lives to flash tits and have sex and do drugs and die in stupid ways.
Oh, and most importantly - it's not scary. It was just an excuse to show tits, ass and gore. Now, I'm a huge Friday the 13th fan from back when the original came out. Those, though technically and intellectually challenged, at least had some scares in them - each and every one. Even the purulent Friday the 13th Part V - the New Beginning

Michael Bay and talentless Co. - if you're going to "reboot" a franchise - one that is adored by people the world over - could you at least put a little effort into it instead of just farting out a script of foul-mouthed slutty teens who get butchered without the luxury of a storyline? I mean, "boy looks for missing sister, gets attacked by Jason" is pushing it, even for Friday the 13th.


Oh, and SPOILER ALERT - 


What the fuck was up with the two "protagonists" pushing Jason's limp, dead body into the lake? Thinking humans in the 21st century wait for the police to show up so they can file reports about the dozens of corpses draped around the property. If there IS a Friday the 13th "Part 2," I hope these two boneheads get diced the fuck up in the first five minutes just to rid the planet of their stupidity. Lame...

Meanwhile, y'all, if you want to see a GOOD Friday the 13th movie, and the word GOOD is actually a translation for horrifyingly bad but fun, gross and scary - may I recommend watching Friday the 13 1 - IV? Awesome. Part VI ain't bad, either.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Why I Love New York, #3

Up close with the damnation that takes place on 53rd Street.

From Wikipedia:
A stalactite (Greek stalaktites, (Σταλακτίτης), from the word for "drip" and meaning "that which drips") is a type of speleothem (secondary mineral) that hangs from the ceiling or wall of limestone caves. It is sometimes referred to as dripstone.
Now, one expects to see things of this nature at Rock City in Chattanooga, Tennessee. They're natural. But in New York - the last thing one expects - or wants - to see is a stalactite collection.

Milky slime looms above, waiting to strike!

Yet there is quite an impressive stalactite display at the Seventh Avenue stop on the B & E lines at 53rd Street, one that has been forming for years and is growing larger each and every day. 

At first glance, one might assume that these dripping, dangling masses of milky madness are caused by the winter weather - but one would be wrong. These entities are there year-round, dripping their clouded elixir of misery and shame onto unsuspecting subway passengers day and night. 

The residue that collects throughout this station is horrifying and deadly.

What caused these Hellish stalactites' formation in the first place, and what aids in their growth? Is there hobo corpse gel in their mixture, or rodent urine? Most likely both. 

All I know is that each and every time I walk into this subway station, which is daily since I work directly above it, I feel as if I need to go into a decontamination booth and get scrubbed down a la Silkwood

This shit is nasty, y'all.

Nubs of misery coagulate like Great Teats, excreting a vile 
substance no thinking creature would dare attempt to suckle.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Jack T. Chick - Super Genius.


Jack T. Chick, rabid evangelical Christian, is full of misinformation:
One might wonder why a staunchly liberal, agnostic, gay, vegan, environmental and animal rights fanatic would relish the Heavenly Delights Mr. Jack Chick pumps out so prolifically. Aren't they espousing in a rabid and judgmental way the very aspects of the Religious Right's closed-mindedness that has ravaged this country and turned it into a cesspool of drooling morons? Well, yes- yes, they are.

But, they do it awesomely.

For those of you who don't know who Jack T. Chick is - he is a purveyor of the finest religious tracts in the known universe and has been "witnessing for Christ" through the comic medium for decades, after he discovered that comics would attract and keep people's attention more than actual literature (if that doesn't say something about his target audience, I don't know what does).

Now, my introduction to these tracts came way back in 1989 when a friend who knew that I a) found rabid Christianity to be hilarious and b) loved horror movies gave me a copy of the tract, "Boo!" which I believe she had found in a rest area somewhere between Georgia and North Carolina. As I read its pages, filled with dreary cliches about sacrificing cats on Halloween and the bafflingly incorrect assertion that Satan's birthday actually falls on Halloween, I knew I was witnessing pure, raw genius in action. I was hooked.

What I love most about Mr. Chick's tracts is the whole conspiracy theory that each and every one of us who isn't exactly like him is out to ensure his and his brethren's downfall and sentencing to everlasting damnation in the lake of fire. Even the ministers are out to get him! Oh, and the Masons... we can't forget them.


When I first discovered Mr. Chick's World of Wonder, it was not as easy to come across these tracts - the internet had yet to be invented, so you had to rely on Christians "witnessing" by passing these things out, or leaving them surreptitiously in fast food restaurants, book stores, glory holes, and other places people who need to be "saved" may hang out. I managed to scrounge up a few, either finding them on my own or having them show up in my dorm room as if they were meant to be there.

Discovering a tract that had actually been placed out in the wilderness by a well-meaning but idiotic Christian was like discovering a new species of frog or winning the lottery - I would jump up and down with glee, especially if the tract had been personalized by the Church that passed it out (see chick.com for information on how to customize your tracts!).

Now that we have the internet, the world of Mr. Chick is at anyone's fingertips. When I first found his website, I went a little insane, ordering multiple copies of my all-time favorite tracts in order to hand them out as favors or use for liner notes in compilation CDs and such. I also ordered the Tract Assortment Pack - yes, one copy of each and every Chick Tract in print - and rushed home every day to see if it had arrived.

When it did, I tore that package open and didn't stop reading these little books of joy until I had pilfered all that Jack T. Chick had to offer. Abortion, Catholic conspiracies, child abuse leading to homosexuality, the public school system as a forum to endorse the practice of witchcraft - it's all here, and it's all awesome.

I took to carrying these things around with me, even "accidentally" leaving them where people could find them in order to "spread the love." Why I thought it would be a good idea to pass these things out is beyond me... I doubt most people find them as hilarious as I do. A friend of mine actually busted me tucking one into a nook on the subway. I didn't know she was in the car with me, and she walked over and said, "Are you actually leaving that were someone can find it?"

"Yes I am," I said, embarrassed.

I'm not embarrassed anymore, though, and I will fully admit that I am a huge fan of Mr. Jack T. Chick and his massive collection of whimsical comics.

Oh, and if any of you ever come across a copy of his long out-of-print epic, "Wounded Children," PLEASE let me know.



Read a tract below!