Your One Way Ticket to Midnight.

I am not sure what originally attracted me to the film Heavy Metal - was it the dusty, grimy copy of the magazine I found in my pot-smoking, MG-repairing uncle's junk heap of a backyard?

Eschewing the many issues of High Times that were in the same pile, I picked Heavy Metal up. This so-called "Fantasy" magazine was in actuality a "pump-it-out" magazine for pothead losers.

Flipping through its pages at the tender age of 9, I was assaulted by buxom, barely-clad beauties swinging ornate swords and fending off tigers, more buxom, barely-clad beauties exposing their nether-realms in various exotic locations, and finally, buxom, barely-clad beauties doing some sort of science-fictiony type businesses in which they were very willing and able to expose their breasts and asscheeks to anyone who wanted to take a gander.

Seeing as I wasn't and am not very interested in breasts, I don't think it was the barely-clad beauties. It was more likely the exotic locales. I'm a geek, and since Heavy Metal is a science fiction cartoon, naturally I was drawn to it. Also, since it was rated R, I felt as if I were doing something I shouldn't be doing - and that always adds to the fun.

Back in the early 80s, when cable television was still a bit of a novelty, I would stay up late on Friday nights and watch HBO. These evenings were generally reserved for "cult" or horror films - I learned all about Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers and Emmanuelle on this wonderful cable channel.

Of course, when it was announced one evening that Heavy Metal would be coming on, I writhed with excitement. And I was not let down. From the moment that vintage Corvette is released from the Space Shuttle to touch down on earth and peel out to Sammy Hagar's "Heavy Metal," this movie does NOT fuck around.

The Loc-Nar, a glowing green orb the astronaut driving the Corvette naively brings home for his daughter, is in actuality the very essence of evil. It kills the astronaut and then imprisons the little girl, deciding, as all ill-fated villains do, to boast and brag about its dastardly accomplishments instead of just taking fucking care of business.

So the Loc-Nar glows green and tells various tales of woe and misery that it has caused throughout the universe. Kingdoms have fallen, religious sects been overthrown, archaeologists murdered... all due to this little green asshole.

The Loc-Nar tale that scared the FUCK out of me when I was a child was the one with the fighter pilot who, after the Loc-Nar lands in his bomber, crash-lands on a deserted island that is actually a graveyard of dead pilots. They all come to life, in various levels of decomposition, and corner him. Fortunate for the young version of me, the scene ends before the pilot is ripped limb from limb, or whatever hideous fate befalls him.


Trembling with fear from that business, I was relieved and uplifted when our fearless leader Taarna the Terrakian shows up. Taarna never spoke a word, but if you've seen this movie, you know one thing - she wasn't taking no shit from nobody. That's right. She was summoned, she came, and she kicked all those asses up in there. I loved her then and I love her now.

Like most "cult" movies, this film is schlocky, dated and probably downright dumb - but I don't care. I still like to watch it every once in a while on a late night and revel in its thoroughly amazing soundtrack, its blatant sex and violence, and its 100% awesomeness.

"What's on this glorious soundtrack?" you may wonder. Well, here's Mr. Tracklist:

Heavy Metal Original Motion Picture Soundtrack:

1) "Heavy Metal" (Sammy Hagar) (3:50)
2) "Heartbeat" (Riggs) (4:20)
3) "Working in the Coal Mine" (Devo) (2:48)
4) "Veteran of the Psychic Wars" (Blue Öyster Cult) (4:48)
5) "Reach Out" (Cheap Trick) (3:35)
6) "Heavy Metal (Takin' a Ride)" (Don Felder) (5:00)
7) "True Companion" (Donald Fagen) (5:02)
8) "Crazy (A Suitable Case for Treatment)" (Nazareth) (3:24)
9) "Radar Rider" (Riggs) (2:40)
10) "Open Arms" (Journey) (3:20)
11) "Queen Bee" (Grand Funk Railroad) (3:11)
12) "I Must Be Dreamin'" (Cheap Trick) (5:37)
13) "The Mob Rules" (Black Sabbath) (2:43)
14) "All of You" (Don Felder) (4:18)
15) "Prefabricated" (Trust) (2:59)
16) "Blue Lamp" (Stevie Nicks) (3:48)

You may sample its delights yourself by clicking HERE.

There was a sequel, Heavy Metal 2000, which I have never seen and probably never will. I'm pretty sure Heavy Metal, like Star Wars, is best seen for the first time when you're a kid - otherwise it may just seem cheesy.