Everyone's got a favorite Christmas movie.
Some hunker around the TV to watch that sappy bastard Jimmy Stewart extol the miracles of friendship in that bile-producing It's a Wonderful Life while others like to watch drunks, perverts and stuck-up agnostics duke it out over the true meaning of Christmas in Miracle on 34th Street.
Now, don't get me wrong - I love both of those movies with all my heart and each render me a blubbering mass of sentimentality and schmaltz by their endings. But when it comes to the TRUE meaning of Christmas, there's only one film for me. Yes, you guessed it.
Female Trouble.
Our dear friend Dawn Davenport has in no uncertain terms announced to her delinquent friends that she'd better get cha-cha heels for Christmas or her parents are going to be sorry. Now, since her parents are decent, God-fearing Christians, naturally they don't purchase those slutty pumps for their beloved daughter.
Watch the madness unfurl:
Fuck you both, you awful people!
You're not my parents!
I HATE YOU,
I HATE THIS HOUSE
AND I HATE CHRISTMAS!
The runner-up: Wild At Heart.
Now, this film, by Mr. David Lynch, is one of my all-round favorite movies of all time for eternity, but it's also got a special Christmas glow to it.
Observe:
Other holiday films that will warm the cockles of your hearts:
I first watched this movie with my great-aunt June, in her 70s, and a huge fan. When I told her I had never seen it, she said, "Ooh, I love that one! Let's watch it!" Fucked. Up. Family. That's all I can guess. I was 15 when this occurred. Naturally, I was immediately enamored of her - how many people in their 70s would actually GO OUT AND BUY this film?
Silent Night, Deadly Night. Oh, the tragedies that befall our protagonist... his parents are murdered by a drunken Santa. His grandfather is a psycho. He gets stuck in an orphanage where nuns beat the crap out of him. He develops an unhealthy obsession with Santa Claus. He gets a job in a seasonal toy store, goes a little bonkers and starts chopping people the fuck up. What's not to like?
Who could forget Christmas Evil? It's my all-time Super Hero Mr. John Waters' favorite Christmas movie. In fact, the new edition of the DVD has bonus commentary by Mr. Waters throughout.
The ending of this film is magical and awesome - one that will keep you and your friends mystified for decades. Ho-ho-ho!
Other holiday films that will warm the cockles of your hearts:
Silent Night, Deadly Night.
I first watched this movie with my great-aunt June, in her 70s, and a huge fan. When I told her I had never seen it, she said, "Ooh, I love that one! Let's watch it!" Fucked. Up. Family. That's all I can guess. I was 15 when this occurred. Naturally, I was immediately enamored of her - how many people in their 70s would actually GO OUT AND BUY this film?
Silent Night, Deadly Night. Oh, the tragedies that befall our protagonist... his parents are murdered by a drunken Santa. His grandfather is a psycho. He gets stuck in an orphanage where nuns beat the crap out of him. He develops an unhealthy obsession with Santa Claus. He gets a job in a seasonal toy store, goes a little bonkers and starts chopping people the fuck up. What's not to like?
Christmas Evil.
Who could forget Christmas Evil? It's my all-time Super Hero Mr. John Waters' favorite Christmas movie. In fact, the new edition of the DVD has bonus commentary by Mr. Waters throughout.
The ending of this film is magical and awesome - one that will keep you and your friends mystified for decades. Ho-ho-ho!
I recommend that you purchase these DVDs posthaste. Each and every one of them. Then, get yourself a fat vat of wassail or comparable nectar of holiday cheer and light up that yule log.
Sit back, relax, and bask in the filthy glow of the Christmas Holiday.
Dang, I love Christmas!
Dang, I love Christmas!
4 comments:
Jiminy Cricket! We are so not watching any of these in front of MY tree.
Boring...
Not a movie, but still perverted:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZhoF9Isf0o
Fuck, George Michael had stupid hair back then!
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